Edited from a sermon transcript of Ephesians 5:33–6:4

If you are anything like me, you were probably not well prepared to be a father. As much as I have tried to piece it together, I do not have even one happy memory of my own father. I have seen photographs of myself as a small child sitting on my dad’s lap, and I have often wished I could actually remember what that felt like. My relationship with my father was one of physical and, especially, psychological abuse—words that cut deeply and left lasting wounds.

I remember vividly the day I became a father. My wife woke me from a peaceful sleep to announce that she believed it was time. We rushed off to the hospital, quite certain we would not arrive before the baby came. Another twelve hours would pass before I had the joy of holding my firstborn daughter. I remember being overwhelmed by God’s goodness to me. I have had that experience six times since. Today, the most treasured possessions in my life, next to Christ himself, are the members of my family.

There are many challenges in fatherhood. We live in a world that threatens our marriages, our families, and our children. We live in a culture that mocks biblical morality, glorifies sex and violence, and laughs at drunkenness and debauchery.

“Men, the mere fact of fatherhood has endowed you with terrifying power in the lives of your sons and daughters, because they have an innate, God-given passion for you. The terrible fact is, we as fathers can either grace our children, or damn them with wounds that never seem to heal. Our society is filled with millions of daughters pathetically seeking the affection their father’s never gave them. In the extreme there are a multitude of sons who were denied a healthy same-sex relationship with their father and are now spending the rest of their lives in search of their sexual identity via perversion and immorality.” – Kent Hughes, Disciplines of a Godly Man

Our society is starved of godly male leadership. There are men who succeed as leaders in the marketplace but fail completely in the home. We are the men. If God’s purposes are not fulfilled through the men of the Church, they will not be fulfilled at all.

The World into Which Paul Wrote

The city of Ephesus was a center of pagan worship in the ancient world. It was nearly unknown in that culture for a father to interact with his children in a loving and nurturing relationship. Most families were in shambles, and mutual love among family members was almost unheard of. A father’s love for his children would have been difficult even to imagine.

Under the Roman law of patria potestas, a father held virtual life-and-death power not only over his slaves but over his entire household. He could cast any member of his family out of the house, sell them into slavery, or even kill them—and be accountable to no one. A newborn child was placed at its father’s feet to determine its fate. If the father picked it up, the child was permitted to remain; if the father walked away, the child was simply disposed of—much as aborted babies are in our own day. Discarded infants who were healthy and vigorous were collected each night and taken to the town forum, where they would be picked up and raised as slaves or prostitutes.

A letter written in 1 B.C. by a man named Hilarion to his wife, Alis, illustrates the casual cruelty of the age:

“Heartiest greetings. Note that we are still even now in Alexandria. Do not worry if when all others return I remain in Alexandria. I beg and beseech you to take care of the little child, and as soon as we receive wages I will send them to you. If—good luck to you—you have another child, if it is a boy, let it live; if it is a girl, expose it.”

(Papyri Oxyrhynchus 4.744)

Seneca, a renowned Roman statesman writing at the very time Paul composed the letter to the Ephesians, declared: “We slaughter a fierce ox; we strangle a mad dog; we plunge a knife into a sick cow. Children born weak or deformed we drown.” (Seneca, De Ira 1.15) (MacArthur Commentary, Ephesians).

There is little difference in our own day. The majority of children in foster care in the West are there not because their parents are dead, but because their parents abandoned them. In a society without God, fatherhood always suffers.

Paul was writing to first-generation Christians. These Ephesian believers had been redeemed by God to the praise of his glory. In Christ they had been placed in a position of victory so that in the ages to come God might display the immeasurable riches of his grace. They had been brought into the body of Christ through the power of God (Eph. 1:11–13; 2:1–3; 4:17; 5:8). Because of that redemption, they were called to walk worthy of their calling as children of God.

What, then, is God’s call to fathers? Ephesians gives us four clear directives.

I. Love Their Mothers

Christ Commands It

The love Paul commands in Ephesians 5:33 is not eros—the physical attraction between a man and a woman, a word that does not appear in the New Testament. Nor is it merely storge, the natural fondness shared among family members, or philia, the warm affection between close friends. The love Paul commands is agape: the deliberate desire for and delight in the well-being of another person, expressed in self-sacrificing action on their behalf. This is a love of choice, not merely of feeling.

Christ Demonstrates It

This is a sacrificial love (Eph. 5:25; Rom. 5:8) and a serving love (Eph. 5:26; Gal. 5:13). The standard is nothing less than the love Christ showed for the Church. Fathers, the most powerful gift you can give your children is the visible daily reality of a father who loves and honors their mother.

II. Teach Them to Obey

An Unavoidable Command

Children are commanded to obey (Prov. 22:6). It is essential to understand that this is God’s command to your children—it is not primarily yours to enforce by force of personality. True obedience means doing what you are supposed to do, when you are supposed to do it, in the manner you are supposed to do it, with the right attitude of heart toward the one in authority.

What Teaching Obedience Requires

Teaching children to obey involves cultivating in them a posture of genuine honor—giving their parents the respect that is due. A child should never be permitted to simply refuse a parent’s direction. The goal, particularly with younger children, is a response that is willing, prompt, and respectful. The promise attached to this command is generous: it will go well with the child, and he or she will live a full life (Eph. 6:2–3).

III. Do Not Frustrate Them

This warning is directed specifically to Christian fathers (Eph. 1:1; 2:1–10). The command is plain: do not provoke your children to anger, causing them to seethe with resentment and irritation. In what ways do fathers goad their children toward that resentment?

1. Criticism

Fathers who habitually criticize their children frequently bring them to discouragement (Col. 3:21). Criticism takes many forms: relentlessly negative comments, a refusal to offer genuine praise, or the backhanded compliment that diminishes more than it encourages. Hurtful words create wounds that can persist for a lifetime. A child needs a father’s approval and encouragement at least as much as he needs a father’s correction.

2. Overstrictness

Some fathers exasperate their children through excessive rigidity and control. Raising children has been compared to holding a wet bar of soap: too firm a grip and it shoots from your hand; too loose a grip and it slides away. A gentle but firm hold keeps you in control.

Fathers become overly strict for several reasons. Some seek to protect their children from the dangers of the world and conclude that a dense system of rules is the safest approach. Others have controlling personalities and exercise authority through rules, money, relationships, or the threat of withdrawal. Some misunderstand their faith, framing it in terms of law rather than grace. Still others are driven by concern for what others will think of them as parents. To become more balanced, we must learn to say “yes” to as much as possible and reserve our “no” for the genuinely important matters, trusting God with our children and recognizing that they must develop the capacity to make decisions for themselves.

3. Irritability

We are all familiar with the pattern: a supervisor is harsh with an employee; that employee comes home and takes his frustration out on his children; the son then kicks the dog. As fathers, we must not allow the pressures of life to drive us into this destructive cycle. The costs to our children are far too high.

4. Inconsistency

A horse whose rider simultaneously digs in his heels and pulls back on the reins receives a confusing and cruel set of signals. A child whose father changes the rules unpredictably is in an equally disorienting situation. Be consistent. Never make a promise to your children that you do not intend to keep. You may forget, but that little boy or girl will remember it eighty years from now.

5. Unreasonable Expectations

Some fathers are never pleased with their child’s achievements, constantly pushing beyond reasonable limits so that the child is made to feel he or she is never quite good enough. This persistent message is deeply damaging to a child’s spirit and sense of worth.

6. Withholding Love

Manipulating a child by withdrawing affection—“If you don’t behave, I won’t love you anymore”—is a form of cruelty, however unconsciously it may be employed. We are not to discipline out of anger or a desire for retribution (Heb. 12:6). Our discipline must always be exercised within the secure context of unconditional love.

7. Physical and Verbal Abuse

When a child becomes the object of a father’s uncontrolled anger—through physical punishment that crosses into abuse, bullying, or relentless verbal assault—the damage is profound. Verbal abuse is often more lasting in its harm than physical abuse. The wounds go deeper and heal more slowly.

8. Favoritism

Favoritism was the damaging sin of Isaac, who favored Esau over Jacob. How crushing it is for a child to know that he or she is less favored—less loved. This does not mean every child must be treated identically; some need more discipline, some need more independence, and each must be guided according to his or her individual needs. But no child should be made to feel less valued than another.

IV. Nurture Them to Maturity

In a society where many children are growing up without a father in the home, godly men—young and old alike—must prayerfully and intentionally become “fathers” to the children around them. In its specific sense this text speaks to biological fathers, but in a broader sense it provides a template for every man to disciple and be a father to the next generation.

When Ephesians 6:4 is fully understood, it calls us to three positive commitments.

1. Tenderness

The phrase “bring them up” carries the meaning of nourishing and cherishing, as in Ephesians 5:29. John Calvin rendered it well: let them be kindly cherished. The word emphasizes speaking to one’s children with gentleness and warmth. Tenderness—both verbal and physical—flows naturally from a father living under the authority of God’s Word.

“Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them], lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. Do not break their spirit.”

(Colossians 3:21, AMP)

Men, how do we measure up?

2. Discipline

The word “training” encompasses everything necessary to raise a child in the way he should go (Prov. 22:6). It includes correction through appropriate discipline. A child’s heart is filled with foolishness, and we are called to discipline in order to bring him or her to wisdom (Prov. 22:15). As the saying goes: “Don’t expect a horse trained with shouts to respond to a whisper.” Failure to discipline brings disaster. David never disciplined his son Adonijah (1 Kgs. 1:5–6), and the consequences were catastrophic.

Several life lessons govern the practice of discipline:

• Do not make excuses for your sin or the sin of your children. The real problem is sin, and it must be addressed directly rather than explained away. Be willing to engage with your children as people who, like all of us, are sinners in need of correction.
• Your children must learn at an early age that sin carries painful consequences.
• Education alone cannot solve the problem; it produces only a more sophisticated sinner (Prov. 22:6, 15).
• Your children must learn from an early age that God has provided the only lasting solution for sinners: salvation through Jesus Christ.

Children are a heritage from the Lord; they are to be raised for him (Ps. 127:3). Many of us have left the work of discipline to the child’s mother or to other family members. This abdication leaves children without the security and sense of self-worth that come specifically from a father’s correction and guidance. Men, if you are not disciplining your children, you are not living in accordance with God’s Word.

3. Instruction

“Instruction” refers to verbal guidance and warning—literally, to place something before the mind. It often requires direct confrontation and is therefore closely related to discipline. The high priest Eli stands as a sobering biblical example of failure in this area (1 Sam. 3:11–13). The Hebrew word translated “restrain” is the same word rendered “instruction.” Eli failed to confront his sons about their sin, and because of that failure they were destroyed.

Discipling our children demands that we be actively involved in the following ways:

• Verbally instructing our children—the well-being of your grandchildren and great-grandchildren depends upon it (Deut. 6:7; Josh. 24:15, 31; Judg. 2:7, 10).
• Regularly leading them in family devotion and prayer.
• Monitoring the influences that enter their minds—what they are listening to, what they are watching.
• Taking responsibility for ensuring that their experience of the church is meaningful and formative.
• Above all, ensuring that our own lives—the open book of our example—demonstrate the reality of everything we teach. It is in watching us that our children will learn the most.

Conclusion

Men, what an awesome responsibility we carry. Our children’s hearts are turned toward us. Our hearts must be turned toward them (Ps. 78:5–6).

Research into effective fatherhood consistently identifies the same qualities. Effective fathers:

1. Are committed to their children and take time to truly know them.
2. Are consistent in their attitudes and behavior.
3. Protect and provide for their families.
4. Love their children’s mother.
5. Listen actively and attentively to their children.
6. Take responsibility for the spiritual formation of those entrusted to their care.

A final word of encouragement to Christian mothers: the legacy of faithful women who have poured God’s Word into their children and grandchildren is not lost on God or on his people. The example of Lois and Eunice in the life of Timothy reminds us that a mother’s faithful instruction bears fruit across generations (2 Tim. 1:5).

Questions for Reflection

• What did you expect or long for from your own father?
• As a father, are you too strict or too lenient? What specific steps can you take to become more balanced?
• What error did Eli make in relation to his sons? How are you doing in that same area?
• In which of the four directives—loving their mother, teaching obedience, avoiding frustration, or nurturing to maturity—do you most need to grow?

“The father of a righteous child has great joy; a man who fathers a wise son rejoices in him.” – (Proverbs 23:24)

Sermon transcript edited with Claude