Zambia Hunt

“Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” – Colossians 3:19

If we are to have healthy, strong churches, every single individual, whether married or single, whether male or female, must have a biblical understanding of God’s instruction and God’s intention for the home. Healthy churches are a product of healthy homes. In our church covenant, we have agreed together that we will help each other, that we will serve one another, that we will hold each other accountable, and that we will help each other grow in obedience to God and to his word. Therefore, whether you are a husband or not, whether you are male or female, there is a rich theological and spiritual truth that you must understand.

Paul wrote the book of Colossians to affirm and to push back on false teaching that had come into the church at Colossae. He laid out a reasoned, solid argument why Christ is supreme, superior, and sufficient over anything and everything else. It is Christ and Christ alone.

In chapter 3, Paul begins to apply the reality of who we are in Christ to the grassroots of our relationships, our responsibilities, and how we live our lives day by day. In verse 19, we find this instruction: “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”

Pastor Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a Methodist pastor who was executed by Adolf Hitler for resisting the Third Reich in Germany, once told a young couple before their wedding: “It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.”

I remember the joy and excitement on September 16, 1989, when Lori stood beside me at the altar of a little country church, Pentucket Baptist Church in Atkinson, New Hampshire. I repeated my marriage vows to her, and I meant them with all of my heart, though I could not possibly begin in that moment to comprehend or understand the implications of the promises I made to her that day.

The best of all is a truly Christian marriage, where a husband understands that he stands in the place of Jesus Christ to love and to care for the woman who became his wife.

Tertullian, one of the early church fathers, wrote this of Christian marriage:

“How beautiful then, the marriage of two Christians. Two who are one in hope, one in desire, one in the way of life they follow, one in the religion they practice. They are as brother and sister. Both servants of the same Master. Nothing divides them, either in flesh or in spirit. They are in very truth, two in one flesh. Where there is one flesh, there is also one spirit. They pray together. They worship together. They fast together. Instructing one another. Encouraging one another. Strengthening one another. Side by side, they face difficulties and persecution and share their consolations. They have no secrets from one another. They never shun each other’s company or bring sorrow to each other’s hearts. Psalms and hymns they sing to one another. Hearing and seeing this, Christ rejoices. To such as these, he gives his peace. Where there are two together, there also he is present. And where he is, there evil is not.”

In this text, we see two radical commands. “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them” (Colossians 3:19). Notice the commands and their implication to those who are in Christ.

Command #1: Love Your Wife

What Does It Mean to Love Your Wife?

In the time in which Paul was writing, he was addressing a Greek congregation in the Greco-Roman world. The emperor Caesar was on the throne in Rome, and the world had been unified under the domination of this one world empire under Caesar Augustus. In this Greco-Roman culture, wives were often viewed as property, and marriages were primarily an economic arrangement. Men had significant legal power over their wives through patria potestas in Roman law.

The command to love wives as Christ loved the church was revolutionary because it called for sacrificial, selfless love rather than mere ownership or authority. The standard of Christ’s love is radically different from the cultural norm of that day, from what the Colossians themselves would have practiced and experienced when they entered into marriage before they were converted. It was the cultural norm where husbands held absolute authority with little obligation towards the emotional or spiritual care of their wives.

In the midst of this, Paul writes to the Colossians, “Husbands, love your wives.” That word “love” (ἀγάπη/agape) was not a common word in Greek literature or culture. In fact, the term was almost unknown in ancient Greek literature. It was not a valued concept in the ancient world. The New Testament writers co-opted this term to describe the love of God and the love that God commands us to have towards God and towards each other in the family of God.

This word agape is a love that finds its source in God alone. It does not find its source in emotion. It does not even find its source in intellect. This is a love that finds its source in God. It is a love that has a spiritual source.

Someone has defined this word this way: Agape is the power that moves us to respond to someone’s needs without expecting to receive anything in return.

One of my mentors, Darrell Champlin, now gone to be with the Lord, defined agape as “the desire for and the delight in the well-being of the one loved that leads to self-sacrificing efforts on their behalf.” This is the love that God had towards mankind, and this is the love that Christ had when he went to the cross and sacrificed his very life on behalf of sinful humanity. Look at how Scripture uses this word “love” (Agape).

1. A Self-Sacrificing Love
   Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” This is a self-sacrificing love. Just like Christ loved and gave himself up as a sacrifice for the church, so husbands are to love their wives.
2. A Sanctifying Love
   Ephesians 5:26-28 continues, “That he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.” Christ gave himself up for the church to cleanse her, to make us clean, pure, and holy. He does that through the water of the word so that he can present to himself a bride that is glorious, without spot, without wrinkle or any such thing.
3. A Considerate Love
   1 Peter 3:7 says, “Likewise husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” The phrase “weaker vessel” reflected common Greek medical opinion about the physical constitution of women. Peter balances this by immediately asserting a woman’s equal spiritual status as “heirs together of the grace of life.” In a culture where women’s religious status was often considered inferior, this was a startling statement.
4. A Respectful Love
   1 Peter 3:7 also commands us to honor our wives, acknowledging where she is weaker than you and showing respect because she is an equal heir to the grace of eternal life. This is an instruction to be considerate according to understanding, according to knowledge. This challenges husbands to understand and respect their wives rather than to merely rule over them, which was the custom of the day.
5. A Providing Love
   1 Timothy 5:8 says, “Anyone who does not provide for their household or their relatives, especially their own household, has denied the Christian faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” While this verse addresses all believers, it has been applied to husbands as heads of the household. In the early church communities, history tells us that some men abandoned their family responsibilities to pursue religious activity or ascetic religious practices.
6. An Exclusive, Submissive Love
   1 Corinthians 7:3-4 says, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise, the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but yields it to his wife.” This teaching was radical in Greco-Roman culture, where husbands, by force of law, had sexual rights over their wives, but not vice versa. In both Greek and Roman society of the day, men’s extramarital relationships were generally accepted, while women’s were severely punished under law. The idea that a husband’s body belonged to his wife was revolutionary in a culture where men had complete sexual autonomy.

On that day in September 1989, I held Lori’s hand and repeated these vows:

“I, Philip, take you, Lori, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish as long as we both shall live according to God’s holy ordinance and thereto I pledge you my love.”

Thirty-five years ago, it was a pledge, and I had no idea the depths or the implications of such a pledge. But I made a covenant to God before 150 assembled witnesses. That’s why you ought to show up at the wedding ceremony of a Christian wedding. Skip the party afterwards if you want. A lot of that’s just a waste of money. But what’s important is to witness—to stand as a witness before God and man. “I was there and I heard you, Phil, I heard you pledge your covenant love before God and to your wife, and I was there to witness it. Now, you better love your wife. You’d better fulfill your commitment. Because not only will God hold you accountable, we will hold you accountable.”

John Piper wrote, “Headship is the divine calling of a husband to take primary responsibility for Christ-like servant leadership, protection, and provision in the home. Headship is not a right to command and control. It’s a responsibility to love like Christ.”

Another writer said, “Among all the dimensions of the mature person in Christ, none comes closer to the character of our Lord than the daring to make a promise and the courage to keep the promises we make.” We make a commitment to love and to have the courage and the daring to fulfill those covenant promises.

Someone once wrote, “The greatest gift a father can give to his children is to love their mother.” And he’s right.

The scriptural emphasis in the New Testament for husbands is consistently on love, respect, consideration, provision, and sacrificial care modeled after Christ’s love for the church. When the world looks at our marriages, they ought to see the care, protection, provision, and love that Christ has for his bride, the church.

I realize that more than half of you here this morning are not husbands. A few of you might become husbands one day. Many of you will never be a husband. It’s impossible. And lest you think that this text has no application for you directly, remember that this command that Paul is giving to husbands, to agape, to love, is the same word that Jesus used when he said to his disciples in John 13:35, “By this will all men know that you are my disciples if you love one another.”

That you desire and take delight in the well-being of your brothers and sisters within the community of faith. That you love and you sacrifice and you give and you show respect. And you sanctify and you serve, motivated by this kind of love. This love that is seeking no advantage over the other. This love that is not trying to find any angle in the relationship.

You know what it’s like in Zambia, and probably this way everywhere. We’re looking for the angle. We’re looking for the relational angle so that we can somehow benefit. If we’re not careful, we view one another like that. And those that we would never say it to, in our mind, we make the assessment: “Look, there’s no advantage. That person is no advantage to me. That person can contribute nothing for me. That person has no power, no position, no prestige. There’s nothing that person can do for me.” And so therefore, we just literally have almost nothing to do with that person.

“By this will men know you are my disciples, that you have agape for one another.” There’s no male and female, big people and small people, rich people and poor people, educated and uneducated. There’s none of that within the family of God. We’re all brothers and sisters because of the cross that we sang about. Because of the blood. We are one in Christ, unified.

Therefore, brethren, we are to love one another with this divine, holy God love that he places within us.

Command #2: Reject Bitterness Towards Your Wife

What Does It Mean Not to Be Harsh?The instruction, “do not be harsh,” addressed a common issue in ancient households where men had the legal right over their wives. In fact, men had the legal right under Greco-Roman law to physically punish their wives. In both Greek and Roman society, domestic violence was common and legally permitted.

Therefore, when Paul says, “reject bitterness, do not be harsh towards your wife,” this command challenged the accepted harsh treatment of wives in the Greco-Roman world. Husbands, you have no authority under God to lay a hand on your wife. Ever.

This command is not only about avoiding physical harshness but also emotional and verbal harshness.

The word “harsh” in verse 19 has a root meaning that carries the idea of making bitter or becoming bitter to the taste. I remember as a little boy, I liked anything sweet. I still like anything sweet. I remember as a little boy, I don’t know how old I was, eight, nine, ten. I remember getting on the chair, getting into the pantry because I had seen that my mom had hidden chocolate.

So, on an undisclosed date, when she was not around, I climbed up and I got the chocolate, a big bar of thick chocolate. I opened it, and it was in little squares that you can break. I was very careful—I needed to break one square so she wouldn’t discover the fraud that had happened in the kitchen. So I broke off a square and put the chocolate bar back in the exact place.

By the way, children, if you’re going to do this, you need to see how they positioned the chocolate bar before you touch it. Because if they put it just so, with the wrapper going up just like that, that was intentional. It’s a trap. So if they come back and the bar is like this, but the wrapper’s like that… I mean, seriously, there’s a roll call right there. “One, two, three, four, five, who touched the chocolate?”

I popped that chocolate in my mouth and I started to chew. And immediately I coughed, I gagged, I spit. It was Baker’s chocolate! Nobody told me. Do you know that chocolate on its own is bitter? Bitter! Like you’ve never tasted anything so disgusting as chocolate. Just chocolate. It’s the most bitter thing you’ve ever tasted. It’s the sugar they put in it that makes it taste nice. It was baker’s chocolate. I spit chocolate all over the kitchen. I didn’t have to worry about whether I put the wrapper in there just right. There was chocolate everywhere.

That’s the word. Do not be bitter. Now we’re not talking about taste, obviously. It’s a metaphor that describes emotional and behavioral bitterness, a harsh, resentful, or embittered disposition towards someone.

It’s in the middle passive voice, which simply means that it’s not just the action of being harsh, but “do not allow yourself to become or remain in a state of bitterness or in a state of harshness.” It is a word that is addressing the internal attitude that manifests itself in external behavior.

Paul here commands husbands not to maintain or develop a bitter, harsh, or resentful disposition towards their wives. This is not an easy command. Anytime two sinners live together, this idea of harshness or bitterness can creep into the relationship.

The present tense in verse 19 suggests that this command is addressing an ongoing attitude rather than a one-off act of harshness. This is a repeated, habitual, recurring attitude towards someone.

Can I just ask, as I describe this and explain it, doesn’t somebody come to mind that every time you think about them or you hear from them or you see them, you have that kind of reaction in your heart?

Bitterness can include behaviors like critical or demanding speech, emotional coldness or distance, making unilateral decisions without consideration, or treating your wife as an inferior.

Biblical Uses of the Concept of Bitterness

1. Bitterness is a Characteristic of Our Fallen Sinful Nature
   Romans 3:10-14 says, “As it is written, none is righteous, no, not one. No one understands. No one seeks after God. All have turned aside. Together they become worthless. No one does good, not even one… Their throat is like an open grave. They use their tongues to deceive. The venom of snakes is under their lips… Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness.”
2. Bitterness Begins Small, But Poisons Everything in Time
   Hebrews 12:15 says, “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God, that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and by it, many become defiled.” A root of bitterness is personal bitterness, which can spread and infect an entire family or community. Someone said that bitterness is the poison you swallow hoping the other person dies. Bitterness often begins with unmet expectations or perceived wrongs. It may start silently, hidden from your wife, but it begins to slowly corrupt the husband’s heart. Bitterness violates the command of Colossians 3:17, to do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, and directly opposes the command in verse 19 to love your wives.
3. Bitterness Often Leads to Other Sinful Behaviors
   Ephesians 4:31 says, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” Notice that bitterness is listed first, as it often leads to these other negative behaviors. This is part of the instructions that Paul gave about putting off the old self and putting on the new self in Christ. Bitterness manifested in the way that we speak directly contradicts “let the word of Christ dwell in you richly” (Colossians 3:16). Instead of teaching and admonishing one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, our speech becomes critical and harsh. It may begin with sarcasm or jokes at the wife’s expense. Instead of being thankful (Colossians 3:15-17), our speech is full of complaints and grumbling.
4. Bitterness Can Poison Marriage Relationships
   Proverbs 21:19 says, “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and bitter wife.” Bitterness breaks down the unity that Christ intends for marriage and destroys Christian witness. Where Christian marriage is to reflect the relationship between Christ, the bridegroom, and his church, the bride, bitterness creates disunity in the home to the point where “I’d rather go live in the desert than with that woman.” Bitterness often damages the children’s understanding of God’s love and can often cause those children to turn away from Jesus Christ, even in a Christian home.
5. Personal Suffering Can Lead to Bitterness
   Job 7:11 and Job 10:10 show that Job’s expression of bitterness illustrates how suffering can lead to bitterness even in righteous people. God said that Job was righteous. Ruth 1:20 teaches us that circumstances and disappointments in life can lead to bitterness. All those dreams that you had of the way it was going to be when you said “I do.” And now you’re 15 years into this thing and it’s nothing like that Cinderella story. “He just sits there and burps and makes other noises and doesn’t talk. This isn’t what I signed up for. Let me go watch another Hallmark movie.” Naomi says in Ruth 1:20, “Call me Mara (bitter), because the Almighty has made my life very bitter.” Is that where you are? “This is not what I signed up for. I’ve been 30 years in this thing. I’ve been 20 years in this thing. I expected it was going to be like this, and it’s been like this. I expected I was going to be there, and now I’m there.” Do you know that there is a trend that after children leave the home, people who have been married 30 plus years divorce? And you’re thinking, “What? They stayed together all that time?” Because somewhere along the line, “I’m going to stick it out for the children.” What happened? Bitterness happened. Unmet expectations. Disappointments, complaining, and that root of bitterness continued to develop and develop and develop, and suddenly it became so clear for everyone to see. Why do you have these men, these old men? It happens in Hollywood. Sixty-something years old and he’s marrying a 22-year-old. What an idiot. Seriously. What happened? You say, “Oh, no, no, that would never happen. Oh, it would never happen to me.” Let he who thinks he stands take heed, lest he fall.
6. Bitterness Leads to Disordered Life with God and Others
   James 3:14 says, “But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.” This is why Paul places the command against bitterness immediately after the command to love in our text. Bitterness will progressively destroy a husband’s ability to love his wife as Christ loved the church.

The Progression and Solution to Bitterness. The progression of bitterness often follows this pattern:

1. Internal bitterness develops in a person’s heart.
2. That bitterness begins to manifest in speech through complaints, cursing, or slander.
3. It moves to emotional expressions like anger and rage.
4. It results then in behavioral sins like violence and evil practices.
5. Ultimately, it affects relationships with both God and one another.

The solution to bitterness is found right here in our text in Colossians 3:

1. Actively Reset Your Focus on Christ – “Set your heart on things above” (3:1)
2. Deliberately Redirect Your Thoughts – “Set your minds on things above” (3:2)
3. Remember Your Identity in Christ – “Your life is now hidden with Christ in God” (3:3)
4. Put to Death Bitterness Immediately (3:5)
5. Recognize Bitterness as a Sin requiring radical action and confess this sin to God immediately and repeatedly.
6. Actively Put on the New Self (3:10) – Respond compassionately with kindness, humility, and patience.
7. Bear With Your Wife in Understanding and Forgive like Christ has repeatedly forgiven you. Verse 13 says, “Bear with one another. And if you have a complaint against someone, forgive each other as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”

The whole chapter is telling us how to deal with this issue in verse 19. Then, verse 15 tells us, “Let the peace of God rule in our hearts.”

You see, the peace of God in our hearts is like the referee’s whistle. It draws your attention to the fact that you’re not responding correctly in that situation and to that person and in that circumstance. Listen to the whistle and run back to Christ. When you discover you’ve lost the peace in a situation, or you’ve lost your peace with a person, it’s the referee, and the referee is the Holy Spirit, and he’s blowing the whistle. “Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet. Yellow card, yellow card, red card. Tweet, tweet, tweet. Stop. Stop kicking the ball. Hold on.”

How do I know if the whistle’s being blown? If you run around and you’re aggravated all the time with everybody and everything, the Spirit of God is blowing the whistle till his lungs blow up. Let the peace of God rule.

Verses 15-17 instruct us to practice thankfulness. It says at the end of verse 15, “and be thankful.” Verse 16 tells us that we are to let the word of Christ dwell, singing psalms and hymns with thankfulness in our hearts to God. Verse 17 says, “doing everything in the name of the Lord, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

A definite sign of roots of bitterness in our hearts is an unthankful heart towards our wife. If you’re not married, you fill in the blank with something else. Or someone else.

And verse 17 tells us, “Do all in the name of Jesus.” Do everything that you do, husband, as a service to God. To serve God is to serve your wife.

Conclusion

Husbands must choose to love their wives in obedience to Christ’s command and example. To do that, they must identify and root out bitterness towards her. That’s the point.

What should we do with this teaching? Let me give you three practical applications:

1. Take a Bitterness Inventory
   Set aside time to honestly examine your heart for any signs of growing bitterness in your marriage. Look for early warning signs like sarcastic comments, unspoken resentment, or a pattern of complaints. If you find these things, immediately repent, confess them to God, and take steps to address them before they take root.
2. Develop a Love-in-Action Plan
   Because agape love is the desire for and the delight in the well-being of the one loved that leads to self-sacrificing efforts on their behalf, create specific ways to demonstrate this love to your wife. Do it every day.
3. Practice Daily Gratitude
   Combat the tendency towards bitterness and nurture your love by deliberately cultivating thankfulness for your wife. Husbands, each day, identify and express appreciation for specific things about her character, her actions, or her presence in your life. Don’t let one day go by without expressing some specific gratitude for your wife to your wife.

If you’re thinking, “I cannot think of one thing with that woman to be thankful for,” let me just tell you, that’s the red flag saying, “You’re bitter. You’re bitter. You’re bitter. You’re bitter. You’re bitter. Put it away. Put it away. Repent of your sin.”

Finally, do you have the love of God in your life? This kind of love in your life? The Bible’s most famous love verse is John 3:16: “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son that whoever believes in Him will not perish, but will have everlasting life.”

Do you know this Jesus? Have you ever received this Jesus? Does the love of God even exist in you? Because everything we’ve talked about today to a Christian husband is just that, to a Christian. And if you do not yet know Jesus as your living, loving Lord and Savior, you do not have the capacity to agape your wife the way that is being commanded here.

Perhaps for you, young person, dear lady, older man, God has brought you here because today is the day of your salvation. Humble yourself, repent of your sins, believe in Jesus, and he will save you and grant you everlasting life.

Prayer

We bow before you. Some texts of scripture are just so difficult. So deeply scrutinizing. You command us to do the impossible. You warn us against what is natural to us in our humanness. And yet we are reminded that both the impossible and rejecting what is natural is attainable, is possible, is expected for a child of God because as you told us in verse one, we are in Christ. We’re in Christ. We’re new creations.

Help us to live out our identity as your children, beginning right where it matters in our homes, in our relationships, beginning with the relationship with a wife towards her husband, one of submission, and of a husband toward his wife to be loving with a God love and to not become bitter.

Do this in us, Lord. Produce this in us. And for that one who is here, who has not yet accepted the free grace, the rich forgiveness that you have made possible because of your love for us, made possible through Jesus Christ, who you offer freely to anyone who will receive, I pray that that person might believe in you today and be saved. We ask in Jesus’ name, amen.